I'll admit that I'm a conspiracy theorist, if you admit that you are a coincidence theorist

Ok, I've been pretty troubled by the war in Iraq for some time now. Like, inception (of the war, not me, that was *con* ception). I can clearly remember driving home from school one night, I forget why I stayed late, but it was dark and I remember listening to NPR in my car and for some reason someone thought it would be a good idea to broadcast from Baghdad the sounds of the bombs exploding during "Shock and Awe." How macabre, I remember thinking, but I listened anyway, because (as I have mentioned before) I think its important to fully internalize the impact our tax money is having on other human beings around the world. If I am disturbed and upset, it is only right that I at least have to deal with that, head on, since I am funding violence en masse somewhere in the world. But I digress...
Since that time, the war sort of has to take a back seat sometimes, you know? I'm not rich, I have money worries; people I love get sick, I have health worries; I am confused about the future, I have inchoate worries, et cetera, ad nauseam.
It is a luxury I enjoy, to be *able* to forget about it for awhile. A luxury that the people living through it do not have. If I believed in "sins" I think it would be a sin that we are allowed to go on with our daily lives, not thinking about the war until HOLY SHIT an AMERICAN DIED??!!! And then we resume where we left off.
At heart, I am a conspiracy theorist. What always captures my imagination is the idea that all these bad things in the world could not be coincidental; there is some sort of new world order out there that is plotting against normal folks the world over who just want to work and sleep and eat and love thy neighbor and whatever. This is also why I tend to drink alcohol when I know I shouldn't: it blunts the edges (she types, after 3 shots of vodka on a friday afternoon).
Fortunately, there is also an order of likeminded individuals, who are scoffed at and maligned and otherwise shat upon by the world in general, all because they spend their lives exposing to the light the things that some would rather stayed in the moist, dark, recesses of the subconscious. People who insist that we pay attention to the tickling sensation in the back of one's brain that says: we are not in control of this situation; someone has sold us out to demonic forces; I cannot just eat my Hungry Jack pancakes and forget. Well in this case, the conspiracy theorists have done their job: I'm awake.
Today, I was upset and disturbed again, my dear friends. Because *they knew.* Optimistic conspiracy theorist that I am, I try to make excuses. I sincerely try (despite my cynical demeanor) to believe there is good in everyone. I just cannot believe (as hard as I endeavor) in pure evil. Perhaps because I have never really known it. I guess I just never learned the lesson: "That one can smile, and smile, and be a villain."
Even the powermongers that are currently wrecking havoc upon the world: I pity them. They are mistaken, confused, misguided, stupid maybe, but not cold blooded, calculating, malicious killers....right? I mean, that is what they claim they are fighting: Torture stadiums, rape rooms, BAD things.
But they knew we were not in any danger and they consciously made the decision to send us over there to die, like we are all (Iraqis included) gamepiece abstractions to them. Like we are data, like either we aren't human to them or they aren't human at all. I knew they lied, I knew that. Really. I guess it just hit me what the consequences of their lies has been. The death of 1,100 of my country-people. (And counting) Upwards of 30,000 Iraqis, who were just living their lives, trying to get by, dealing with the fact that their leader's violence was arbitrary and capricious. I am beginning to understand what that might be like.
Here's the combination of websites that brought this all on:
www.fromthewilderness.com
www.thememoryhole.org
(pay "especial" attention to Blast from the Past at memoryhole; it was that and vodka that brought about my maudlin outburst. To just finally know, in my heart, that people knew the truth and *wanted us to die anyway* really hurts me. I am a naive girl, I know.)